How do we form different attachment styles to God?
Within the Christian tradition, we all have a relationship with the same God – so why do we end up relating in so many different ways? That’s a million-dollar question that psychologists who research spirituality are continuing to explore. Some believe that our way of relating to God tends to run down two different paths. The first path is when we relate to God in ways that correspond, or mirror, the ways we relate to our parents. This is called the “correspondence hypothesis.” Our parents are caring, attentive and compassionate, and we assume the same about God and reach out easily. Or our parents are harsh and distant, and we expect the same from God, trying to keep from upsetting our Divine Parent the way our parents were so easily upset.
The second path of relating to is finding God to be just the opposite of our parents. In this path, we find that we reach out to God to compensate for the support and love we didn’t receive, if we grew up in a dysfunctional family. This is called the “compensation hypothesis.” Our parents were conditional and judgmental, and we find that God accepts and loves us unconditionally. For these people, they find that God gives them the love and care they felt starved of in their early relationships.
However, this line of research has often started with the assumption that our parental experiences are the primary factor in forming how we relate to God. Other research has considered what types of theological teaching encourage different ways of reaching out to God, in healthy and unhealthy ways. One study looked at different denominations and found specific patterns for the ways they reached out to God during times of stress.[1] It’s important to look not only at our own family of origin, but also the messages we received about God, especially early on in faith.
Then, there’s another piece that makes the difference between the impacts of our theological tradition and of our parents even more difficult to decipher. Research has found that parenting styles in cultures correlate with belief about the character of God [2]. That means having a view of God as harsh and judging makes it more likely that a parent will have harsh parenting practices. If our church culture emphasizes that God is gracious, and full of compassion, slow to anger, and merciful, we would expect to see similar parenting practices. If we have a church tradition that emphasizes wrath and punishment, then we will expect punitive parenting. If you grew up in a faith community, it’s hard to tell what part is parent and what part is church culture and teaching, when it comes to learning about connecting with God.
None of us have received a perfect understanding of God. Our specific relationship with God is built on who we are and our unique experiences. Yes, our parents impact our perception of God. But our relationship with God is also impacted by the church we grew up in, our current faith community, and the dominant theology of our larger culture. Then there’s our specific theology, traumatic experiences, as well as our gender, sexual orientation, culture, personality, and psychological health [3]. And of course, our relationship is also impacted by direct experience with God.
Read about the different styles here.
Notes:
[1] http://experimentaltheology.blogspot.com/2006/12/attachment-to-god-interlude-why-are.html
[2] Cassidy, J., & Shaver, P. R. (Eds.). (2008). Handbook of attachment: Theory, research, and clinical applications (2nd ed.). The Guilford Press.
[3] Louis Hoffman PhD, Sandra Knight PhD, Scott Boscoe-Huffman MA & Sharon Stewart MA (2007) Chapter 13. Diversity Issues and the God Image, Journal of Spirituality in Mental Health, 9:3-4, 257-279, DOI: 10.1300/J515v09n03_13