People tell me all the time that the attachment styles are confusing. There’s good reason for that: attachment is an academic field that can’t be boiled down to a basic personality test. That being said, there’s immense benefit to understanding your basic attachment style.
There’s an initial division between secure attachment and insecure attachment. There is one secure style of relating, but three insecure styles of relating. No one fits squarely in a box – and no one is secure all the time. It’s helpful to understand what strategies you use during times of insecurity. We all find ourselves on the attachment spectrum somewhere. Even those of who would qualify as “secure” are on the spectrum toward an insecure way of relating. You will likely find yourself in at least one (if not more) of the categories below.
These three insecure was of relating go by different terms, which is often where we get lost. Perhaps what is most confusing is that Dr. Mary Ainsworth, who first created these categories, used the prefix of “anxious” for both anxious-ambivalent and anxious-avoidant attachment styles, drawing on Freudian terms that were popular at the time. I find remembering the terms easiest to remember if you let ‘anxious’ simply translate to ‘insecure,’ as an indication that the style is not secure.
The Therapist Uncensored podcast talks about these strategies on a spectrum - a very helpful concept they discuss in this episode.
photo by Bundt Kim
Anxioius-Ambivalent & Preoccupied
You likely tend toward this attachment style if you identify with 3 or more of the following:
· When it comes to relationships, you’re always worried, “are we okay?”
· You tend to be clingy
· Your emotions are big and visible to others.
· You worry about being left/abandoned.
· You get angry with your partner when you feel them step back from the relationship or it feels like they don’t care.
Learn more about this style here.
Anxious-Avoidant & Dismissive
You likely tend toward this attachment style if you identify with 3 or more of the following:
· You like to be around others, but you don’t care too much about “deep conversations.”
· You’re allergic to clingy people.
· You like to think logically through problems, and emotions just get in the way.
· You’re perfectly find spending time alone.
· You spend much more of your free time doing tasks than spending time with others.
Learn more about this style here.
Disorganized & Fearful
You likely tend toward this attachment style if you identify with 3 or more:
· You worry about sharing your feelings with your partner.
· You want intimate relationships but worry that others will reject you if they really get to know you.
· You push and pull in your relationships.
· You feel on-edge with significant others, as though you are performing to keep closeness.
· You really want a close relationship, and you end relationships abruptly when you aren’t satisfied with them.
Learn more about this style here.
Online Attachment Quizzes
Take an Attachment Quiz at The Attachment Project
Take Diane Poole Heller’s quiz at her website.
The Science of People also has an attachment quiz.