Attachment science is the study of how we connect with others. it’s a field based on the simple fact that we are a social species, and we do not thrive on our own. So, when we feel disconnected, or we need extra closeness—like when we’re sad, or scared, or in pain—we find ways to reestablish connection. Attachment, at its most basic, is observing the strategies we use try to reestablish connection and closeness, especially when we’re upset.
Consider a time when you felt sad:
Did you go get a hug?
Did you retreat from others, worried that your sadness might upset them, and cause disconnection?
Did you make a big show about your feelings to make sure that others notice you’re sad?
These are all strategies for gaining or maintaining connection. Attachment science is all about observing how humans get and keep connection, and the founder of attachment science, Dr. John Bowlby, believed that there are no bad ways of seeking connection. He believed that children are wonderfully innovative creatures who crave connection and will use whatever means necessary to get the closeness they are built for. Whatever way they choose—even if it’s obnoxious—is a testament to the drive for connection.
photo by Ray Hennessy
Growing Toward the Light
Imagine a houseplant that grows sideways after it’s been shut up in a dark room for a week, reaching toward the crack of light between the curtains. We don’t ask, “what’s wrong with the plant?” but “what’s wrong with its environment?” Growing toward the light is exactly what it was designed to do, even if it looks different than the other plants.
Likewise, children will grow in whatever direction brings them close to their parents. Some children learn that behaving well only invites silence, so throwing a fit is a clever escape from the feelings of disconnection. Other children learn that behaving perfectly keeps their parents happy and connected enough, so they tirelessly work to be good enough. We will do whatever it takes to know that we matter to those we love. We will forge our own way through the unknown, and create our paths as we go.
Unfortunately, some of us learned how to seek closeness in the dimly lit room of an unhealthy family system. Rather than growing straight up toward the sun, we had to get more creative. We learned that pulling on mom’s skirt every five minutes is better than feeling she doesn’t care at all. Or that sitting next to dad while we hold in our tears is better than the threat of disconnection, the terrible feeling of isolation when you’re told to “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about.” Or we learned that trying to contort ourselves into someone more lovable holds more hope than accepting that we’ll never be loved. But these strategies were never going to work very well in the first place, they were simply the best strategies we had at the time. As we’ve forged in the wilderness, we’ve created our own maps, sometimes growing sideways instead of upward, because it made the most sense in our context.
The ways we learn early on to seek closeness set a blueprint for the rest of our lives, creating maps we continue to refer back to, embedded in a deep, non-verbal part of our brain. This is what attachment science is about, observing the ways we reach for connection when we need it.
This map is unlikely to change unless we intentionally engage in a period of healing and learn some new ways to get connection through the experience of loving relationships. Without examining them, we will continue to revert back to those early strategies — whether they work very well or not.
Dr. Sue Johnson, the founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy (an attachment-based therapy I’m trained in) has demonstrates how we use these same strategies in our adult relationships, in this video with Dr. Ed Tronick, who developed the “Still Face Experiment.” It’s perhaps one of the best ways to see our attachment systems in action, and the way it drives us, as Bowlby said, “from the cradle to the grave.”