Should I Blame My Mother?
Attachment science asserts the obvious: our earliest relationships have a significant impact on how we view ourselves and the world. However, it would be a mistake – that Freud already made - to believe that one single model holds all the answers to who we are as people, and that our parents have complete influence over our mental health.
We are both biological and social beings. How we operate in the world and who we become is impacted by a long list of factors, including our relationships, experiences, genetic make up, and more. In fact, the field of epigenetics studies how our experiences after birth dictate the way the genes we were born with are expressed. In his book, Lost Connections: Why You’re Depressed and How to Find Hope, Johann Hari shows that while there are genetic dispositions for depression, it is always triggered by experience (whether or not we know what that experience is).
It’s tempting to look back into our own history and try to determine our attachment style with our parents. Sometimes it’s obvious, but many times it’s not. As a therapist, I find delving into the past helpful only to the extent that it helps us find a coherent narrative for why I feel the way I do now, and how to operate in new ways that takes us toward health.
One study found that 30% of participants changed their attachment style over the course of four years. That doesn’t necessarily mean for the better, either. Unfortunately, we can start out on solid ground in a securely attached family, but other significant relationships or circumstances can change our attachment style. In other words, it’s not always our parents’ fault.
Feminist critiques of Attachment Science have rightly pointed out that it has been used to blame women, especially those who seek careers. However, those who used the research to suggest this did so wrongly. Attachment is about being tuned in to the emotions and needs during difficult times in a child’s life. Parents don’t need to be around all the time, they just need to be responsive when we have points of connection.
Different Types of Trauma
Children who grow up in healthy families can still show signs of attachment insecurity for a variety of ways. Dr. Karyn Purvis worked with children who have experienced the extreme abuse and neglect, but she also worked with children that looked as though they’d gone through trauma, but grew up in healthy families. It was puzzling why these kids struggled so much, until she realized that attachment relationships are only half the story of early experiences. She lays out six trauma risk factors that can all impact a person’s mental health.
Stress during pregnancy. This can be anxiety, depression, or chronic stress, and even happy things like finishing a PhD program. It can include things like financial stress, work stress or anything that causes hardship (things that a loving, healthy mother can’t always control).
Birth trauma. Another experience that mothers have no control over, babies that are born amidst this sort of stress come into the world ready to fight to survive. This creates trauma symptoms in the nervous system that can play out in many ways.
Early hospitalization. If you’ve ever been through a significant medical procedure, you know how intrusive and scary it can be. Now, imagine being very tiny and helpless. Children go through medical treatment for such important reasons, and the traumatic impact of those early experiences can show up later (and be a surprise for parents!).
Abuse Children who are overtly harmed by those in their life through words, emotions or violence.
Neglect Children whose needs – whether clothing, food or emotional connection – go unmet.
Trauma Car accidents, witnessing violence, fleeing war – these are things that healthy parents can’t always protect their children from.
Here, we see that only two of six common causes of childhood trauma are from malignant parents. That’s not to say that there aren’t harmful parents that can have a significant impact on their children, but that’s not all there is to the story of our development. Early traumatic experiences can significantly impact our attachment style. So maybe there is great reason to blame your mom – and maybe there isn’t.
Good Enough Parents
It’s actually pretty hard to screw up as a parent. The concept of “good enough parents” is that parents can maintain a secure attachment to their children through responding empathically during times of need half the time. So, it doesn’t mean being attuned all the time. In fact, in recent years attachment researchers like Dr. Edward Tronick are examining the importance of rupture and repair. This is what occurs when a parent totally misses it – yet, they notice their children’s upset and respond with compassion. Parents don’t need to get it right all the time, they just need to notice when there’s a rupture, and work to mend it.